Welcome to the Café Pelagic! Please, have a seat at the counter. I see you’ve reserved the carriage for a solo tour, so let’s get started. Can I get you a coffee? We have a great variety of beans to choose from, but for this first stage of our journey I recommend a bright and nutty arabica. It’s a simple flavor, lightly roasted to a gentle finish, guaranteed to warm your bones and invigorate you for the journey ahead.
Is the coffee to your taste? Very good! Now be sure to take your pressure pill. I apologize for the necessity, but it is required for your safety. We will be plunging into the depths of the ocean that the human body was not designed to withstand. Yes, I have a cup of water.
Very good! Are you ready to begin the journey into the abyss? I’ll signal the men on the platform and we’ll begin our descent. The machine lowering us is called the Abyssal Crane. A little joke on our part. Onward to our first stop!
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100 Meters
Welcome to the Epipelagic Zone! We’re currently in the relative shallows at a depth of a mere one hundred meters. This is the part of the ocean we know the most about, and it is filled with creatures you will surely recognize. Dolphins call this area home, as do whales, jellyfish, and most species of fish.
I see you’ve finished your coffee. Would you like another cup? I promise this one will truly kick-start a great adventure. I’m going with a dark roast this time to really elevate the experience. Yes, it is quite strong, isn’t it? That would be the pressure of the ocean above us, and is a key feature of the tour. At one hundred meters we are experiencing ten BAR of pressure. Did you know all it takes to make an espresso is pressure, and only nine BAR at that? Because of this, any cup brewed at this depth is technically an espresso. Yes, I thought you would like that. I trust you are feeling well and eager to continue? The pill you ingested should be negating any consequences of the pressure, but let me know if you begin to experience any discomfort? Our next dive will take us quite a bit deeper, but I always like this stage as a fun diversion.
We’ll be dropping somewhat faster now, so please remain seated until we have come to a complete stop.
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1,000 Meters
You may stand now, if you wish. We are currently at a depth of one thousand meters, right at the brink between the Mesopelagic and the Bathypelagic zones. The creatures at this depth are likely a bit more mysterious than the ones you are accustomed to. Down here, fish have evolved larger eyes and bioluminescence, both necessary to navigate the dark depths. However, some have no eyes at all, having forsaken the light for other more reliable navigation.
Those twinkling lights are beautiful, aren’t they? I see you haven’t quite finished your Ocean Espresso, but might I offer you a refill? This is where our coffee really begins to get exciting. I must warn you before you try it, sip lightly. I mentioned the 9 BAR required to make an espresso. We are experiencing nearly one thousand BAR at this depth. This produces a slightly thicker brew, with a burnt and bitter taste. If the depths of darkness are making you sleepy, this will certainly wake you up. It’s not to everyone’s liking, but it is quite tantalizing.
You have quite the constitution! Not many of our guests can withstand the strength and bitterness of this brew. I am glad you are enjoying it. It is time to have a seat once again as we plunge even further into the depths. This will take several minutes, so feel free to stare into the abyss and watch as the glowing eyes stare back.
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10,994 Meters
Welcome to the Hadalpelagic Zone. I apologize for my whisper. This is a reverent place, untouched by humanity with the exception of our café tour. Can you see the ocean floor just outside? Yes, it is quite dark. It really is a void outside these walls. The creatures are strange and holy, in a way—if you believe such things. Life is sparse; I apologize if you don’t see anything. Out there you will find only the strangest of creatures. Metazoan organisms, bivalves, and isopods. Decapod crustaceans with pale carapace untouched by the light. These creatures have never seen the day nor could they withstand the burning sun.
This will be your final cup of the tour. It will take me some time, as the water does not flow so freely, and maintaining heat is difficult. The water outside is just a hair above freezing, and pressure does strange things to thermodynamics.
Yes, it is very thick. Bitter as death and strong enough to upturn any stomach. You are truly a connoisseur. I have never seen a person drink this cup with such stoicism, and without the barest of flinches.
I believe you may be ready for what I have to show you. It is a rare treat, and an honor unimaginable. Normally the tour ends here. I’d signal the crane and we’d be lifted back to the surface for you to go on your way. But I can see you are special, and with discerning taste.
I can take you one stop deeper if you so choose. A final stop, even beyond the depths of the trench. It is a place of creatures you cannot conceive. Pardon me, I am sweating with anticipation. You are interested? I am so pleased to hear it.
I will prepare one more coffee—a special bonus for you—so take a seat at the bar, as this final plunge takes a fair bit more time. In the meantime we will speak of things as divine as a perfect roast, and as terrible as the darkest depths.
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100,000 meters
We have arrived. It is an honor to come to this place, so far beneath the crust. We are deep below any pelagic zones of the ocean. We lie now in the Asthenosphere, beneath the crust where stone grows soft and the temperatures rise again, uncooled by the ocean above.
I have one final cup of coffee to offer you. Excuse my shaking hands, I have not been to this place in some time, and how I have longed to return. Yes, it is quite loud outside. It is a place of things divine and growling and our own holy creation. You are safe. The pill protects you from the incredible pressure and heat. There is more, of course. One other who resides in these depths. She is quite a sight. A marvelous creature.
Please, take your coffee. It is not a liquid. We are beyond water, whether it flows free or with the viscosity of rich syrup. This coffee is a solid disc, black and hot and containing all the essence of the beans above.
Do not concern yourself with the screeching. She will come when she is ready. She always comes.
It is magnificent, is it not? Like a light biscuit of dark char, brittle in your mouth, unable to dissolve behind your teeth. It crumbles down the back of your throat. Yes. You are ready. You have been prepared.
I must tell you now, that the crane does not operate this low. After our last stop, I severed our cable. We have melted through the earth, to fall to this place divine. There is no returning to the surface. You are not disappointed? Yes, I thought not. She calls to you, too.
Take my hand. The heat will be unbearable, and her presence even more so. But we are resilient.
I’m opening the door now. I hope you’ve enjoyed your tour.
She meets us in the depths with the power of creation at her disposal.
Perhaps we will gain just a glimpse of it.
Perhaps we may even attain it.
The power of creation and the perfect cup of coffee.