♈ Your Horoscope for the Week

by Mar Vincent

Your horoscope for Monday the 22^nd 

Today’s horoscope is a special one, for you and you alone. Pay careful attention to what the stars have in store for you this week, as great things are sure to come to those who wait!

A few things to be mindful of:

1. Don’t let anyone else dictate how to live your life. No one knows you better than you do! When opportunity comes your way, seize hold and don’t let go.

2. Avoid seafood. Sounds easy, right? Maybe you should start checking the ingredients on the products in your pantry just in case.

3. Buy that green sweater. You know the one I’m talking about.

Your horoscope for Tuesday the 23^rd

I wasn’t kidding yesterday—this is a big week for you, if you seize that big sparkly opportunity lying right within reach. You don’t have to grasp for anything too far out in left field, and by left field, I mean just because some guy bumps into you at the train station—some perfect-seeming meet cute—and your phone falls out of your pocket and starts playing one of your favorite songs and he starts singing along.

All I’m saying is, it’s pretty unlikely that’s going to turn out the way it does in the movies, right? Try looking a little closer to home. Reach for your stars, my dear, even if they’re not the biggest, boldest, most obvious ones in view.

The heavens are looking out for you; it’s up to you to harness the power they’ve channeled for your sake.

Oh, and that sweater? Not the one I was talking about. Teal isn’t really green, you know. Even if it is one of your favorite colors.

Even if he did compliment the way it brings out your eyes.

Your horoscope for Wednesday the 24^th 

Did you know people can develop allergies later in life? To all kinds of things, like cats and pollen and mold. And seafood. 

You’re lucky that sushi date last night didn’t do you in. Do you remember what I told you Monday? Are you even paying attention?

And sure, maybe you had a great time with him, talking about your cats (neither of you are allergic. Yet.), and drinking too much sake and plum wine, and eating matcha-flavored flan even though you were both so stuffed that the date went another hour as you lingered over that one little plate.

And if I know all of that, what makes you think I don’t know what I’m talking about when I say your heart’s in the right place, but leading you down the wrong path. Some partnerships are written in the stars, my dear, and I know you don’t want to hear it, but I don’t see this one in any of them.

You still have the receipt for that sweater, and Venus tells me the green one just went on sale. 

YOUR horoscope for Thursday the 25^th 

When someone gives you constructive advice, take it.

Your horoscope for Friday the 26^th

Your ruling planet is disappointed in you. I hate to say it, but so am I.

Your horoscope for Saturday the 27^th 

Oh my, where has the week gone? If your answer is ‘straight down the tubes in the most wasteful possible way’, you aren’t entirely wrong, my dear. But don’t fret, because we still have the weekend. There is still time for you to turn this around and achieve all the heavens have set out for you.

Time truly flies when you’re busy disregarding celestial advice, doesn’t it?

Do you know how old the stars are? How much shit they’ve seen? And you really think, when they point in one direction, that it behooves you to veer off in a completely different one?

You think they haven’t watched this exact scenario play out before?

You may be asking yourself, what’s the worst that could happen if you continue down this road of coffee dates, swapping photos out of context, and talking about your favorite garden plants. Frankly, I couldn’t tell you. Most people know better than to walk into oncoming traffic (or seafood dinners. Or teal sweaters.) when warned otherwise.

Hmm.

I suppose, in all honesty, I haven’t seen too many people disregard the signs the way you’re doing now. I’m just the messenger, you know. If you don’t want to listen, that’s entirely up to you, but I couldn’t tell you what might happen.

Just think about it, all right? Who would know what they’re talking about better than the stars?

Your horoscope for Sunday the 28th 

All right, I must admit, it was quite cute the way he swept that umbrella over you when it started to rain, then started spinning it to fling water drops in all directions while declaiming how he’d protect you from the little flesh eaters. I would’ve been laughing just as hysterically if it was me.

All right, so maybe I was laughing.

Can the heavens be jealous? I don’t think so. But can they be wrong? I wouldn’t say yes so much as I’d suppose they probably don’t keep track of their misses as well as their hits.

Some things are just so unpredictable, even the stars can’t predict what’ll come next.

And, well, tomorrow’s another week. Check in then and see what they have to say for the two of you.