🍄 Theo and Jules Forever

by Melanie Mulrooney

I sit on a silk floor cushion in the hotel meditation room taking deep breaths, trying to calm myself so I don’t end up punching Theo in the face.

“Julia, I swear I didn’t know the brownies were spiked.”

Maybe a minor assault charge is worth it; I can find a new best friend. And anger management classes can’t be that bad, right? I swivel to face him.

“Theo, you jackass!” I stand up, finger pointed—can I poke a man hard enough to kill him? “How did you not know? You got them from a dude who is literally wandering around this hotel wearing a shirt that says ‘ask me about magic mushrooms’.”

“But Jules, he said they were healthy. I thought that meant they’re, like, I don’t know… made with natural cane sugar or something.”

“Or something?” I stare at Theo, waiting for him to stop fidgeting and look me in the eye. “What exactly did he say were in the brownies, Theo?” 

He rakes a hand through his mop of dark hair. “Black beans.”

“Black beans and…?”

“And mushrooms,” he whispers.

“Mushrooms, Theo.” I swat him on the shoulder. “MUSHROOMS!”

“There are lots of different kinds of mushrooms,” he says under his breath.

“You promised this would be a normal, chill, no-drama trip, Theo.”

“Jules, trust me, it’ll be ok. We’ll ride it out together. Everything will be fine—I know it.” He looks at me like a puppy who just ate a loaf of bread from the counter and knows he’s in trouble, but trusts I’ll feed him dinner anyway.

“If you weren’t my best friend, I would murder you.” I send him my best glare and plop back down on the meditation cushion. “I’m just going to stay here and wait it out. You can go.”

He sits down across from me, just out of reach. 

“Jules, you know I would never stay where I’m not wanted—”

I growl in his direction.

“—but I can’t leave you alone. You uh…” He tugs at his shirt collar. “...apparently ate a triple dose.”

“What?!” I jump up from the cushion.

“I know. I know!” He ducks his head, tucking his face into his knees. I hear a muffled, “I’m so sorry.” 

He peeks up at me with his left eye. He looks like a cyclops. A tall, skinny cyclops folded in half, with arms that look a bit like pool—

“Shit. Theo, you’re a cyclops made of pool noodles.”

His second eye peers out. “I’m a what?”

“You’re a nothing. I mean, you’re a you. But I think the shrooms are kicking in.”

Theo jumps up. “Ok. Right. Let’s go find the guy and—”

“Nope. I’m meditating.” I sit back down on my cushion. Theo heaves a sigh before settling in across from me.

After a few minutes—seconds? What is time? I realize I desperately need to pee. I shoot up from my cushion again and head for the door.

“Where are you going?” Theo asks.

“Bathroom,” I say. “If I can get out of here.” I stand in front of a red velvet curtain that I swear used to be a door. “Where’s the exit?” I step into the soft cocoon of fabric walls, and roll myself into a red-velvet-Julia-sausage. It feels nice. I might stay a while.

“Jules. Julia!”

“Dude, why are you yelling?” I part the red sea and tap Theo gently on the cheek. He pulls me out and spins me to face the opposite wall. “Shrooms make you loud and aggressive,” I tell him.

“What? I’m not even that high yet. And I’m not aggressive. Or loud.”

“Ok, Macho Man.” I float toward the other end of the room, which is also covered in a red velvet curtain. “Macho macho man…I gotta be a macho man…” Why am I singing this song I hate?

“Theo! Why am I singing a song I hate?” I run my hands along the walls. “Are we swimming in velvet?”

Theo parts another set of curtains encompassing us in a velvet world, soft fabric brushing over my body, spinning me around, coaxing me forward. I eventually stumble out and trip into an elderly man wearing a hideous yellow waistcoat. 

“My dear, are you well?” He catches my elbows to steady me, then steps back.

“Oh! Yeah, sure. Sorry about that.” I reach to smooth my hair, which is no longer necessary because it’s now piled on top of my head. 

I turn to Theo. “Is my hair on top of my head?”

Theo stares at me blankly for a minute. “Yes?” He replies like it’s a question.

“I mean, it was down before, right? And now it’s not?”

The gentleman clears his throat and moves past us like he wants to make sure no one thinks we’re together. He can probably tell I’m stoned. Oh god, does everyone know I’m on shrooms?

“Theo, does everyone know I’m on shrooms?”

“What? No. No one knows.” Theo’s gaze follows the man into a nearby room.

“Jules, is there a costume ball happening this weekend?”

“What? No. If there was, I’d be in costume.”

Theo turns to look at me. “You are in costume.”

I follow his gaze down my body, taking in a green silk taffeta gown with an empire waist. “Woah. My boobs look great!” I bounce a little on the balls of my feet and watch the effect. “They’re like, pushed right up there.”

I swing my hips and watch the fabric swish around legs that were definitely wearing yoga pants an hour ago, then run my gloved hands down my midsection and bend a little from side to side. “I think I’m wearing a corset.”

“When did you change into that?” Theo asks.

“I don’t know,” I whisper. “When did you change into that?” I point at his emerald green waistcoat and high shirt collar. “And where’d you get fake sideburns?” I give his facial hair a tug. Theo lets out a small yelp and jumps back.

“What the—?” Theo stares at me, eyes wide.

“Dude,” I say.

“Dude,” he replies.

“I hear music.”

“Fancy music,” he says.

We turn and walk together into the ballroom. A full orchestra is set up at one end and a long line of men and women are in the middle of the floor dancing complicated routines. I pull Theo along the side of the room until we find a spot away from everyone.

“Theo, do you see what I see?”

“I don’t know how to answer that.”

“Do you or don’t you? Simple question.”

“I don’t know what you see, Jules. So how do I know if I’m seeing the same thing?”

“Right, yeah. Ok.” I point straight ahead. “Do you see a woman in a pale pink dress with a giant white feather on her head?”

“Sure do.”

I turn and point to the left. “And do you see an older guy in a powdered wig with a monocle up to his eye, like the Monopoly man?”

“Affirmative.”

“Ok, so I am not tripping and thinking I’m in Austenland?”

“Don’t think so,” Theo replies. He rubs his sideburns. “Not alone, anyway.”

“Good, good. And do you also see a live bird on the pink lady’s head?”

“Nah, that part is for sure the shrooms.”

My bladder reminds me I still need to pee.

“Theo, I need to pee.”

“Ok, so go find a bathroom,” he says while staring off at a very attractive young man, hearts in his eyes. Literal cartoon-style hearts. Trippy.

“We’re not supposed to split up, remember?”

“Right. Yeah.” Theo pulls himself away from the angelic vision and I feel guilty for a split second. But he did feed me mushroom brownies, so no more guilt.

I turn to a middle aged woman in a pale lilac gown and ask where to find the bathroom. She starts talking about water closets and maids, and I give her a wink and compliment her role playing skills. She looks at me like I have ten heads—Theo, do I have ten heads? Seriously, these folks are impressive.

I keep moving along the perimeter of the room, Theo in tow, until I see a young girl in a maid’s uniform. 

“Thank God!” I say. “Can you help me find the bathroom?”

“A bathing room, miss?”

“A toilet. I really have to pee.”

She looks at me like I slapped her with a fish and stifles a giggle before inviting me to follow her. 

We arrive at a dark hall and she suggests I step behind the curtain, tied back with braided rope.

“Where’s the door?” I ask.

“There’s just the curtain, Miss.”

“Where’s the toilet?” I ask.

“The bourdaloue is in the corner, Miss.”

She’s pointing at what looks like a gravy boat. “You want me to pee in that?” I ask.

“I, uh. Well, yes Miss. If you wish.” She gives me another strange look. “I will remove it for you when you’re done.”

“Ok. Right.” I look to Theo who is now bent over with laughter. “When in Rome, yeah?”

“Rome, Miss?”

“You’re really good,” I say, wagging a finger in her direction. “I hope they’re paying you well for this gig.” She stares at me, wordless. “Maybe I’ll see you in the movies some day.”

“Mo-movies, Miss?” She stumbles on the word like it’s foreign to her. Very impressive.

I complete my business behind the curtain. Theo and I walk away, leaving her holding a container of my pee. For real, you could not pay me enough.

We head back into the ballroom where a group of dancers are heading out to the floor.

“Theo! Let’s dance.” I move my upper body in a wave.

“Jules.” Theo groans out my name like it’s three syllables. “Do we have to?” 

“Yep, we totally do.” I shimmy backwards, wiggling my fingers for him to follow. 

“We don’t know this dance,” he says.

“We never know any dance,” I reply.

He rolls his eyes, a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth, and we take our place among the dancers.

The music starts and… no one dances.

“Theo, why isn’t anyone dancing?”

“The people at the end are dancing,” he says.

“Are we supposed to wait? Like, take turns?”

We look at each other and shrug. Then we let the music take us.

I feel the beat from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, rolling through me in waves. I throw my head back, arms up. Theo grabs my hands and we twirl, spinning each other like tops around the floor, laughing like we haven’t laughed since we were kids.

I hear a gasp go up around the room—these people are really taking this period thing seriously!—maybe I’d feel bad if this didn’t feel so damn good.

The music goes quiet and the entire room is staring at us. Then, as if a single entity, they turn from us like we’re not even there.

A stern-looking man starts walking our way, but we’re not going to wait to hear what he has to say. We race through the room to the exit, leaving muffled laughter and half-hearted apologies in our wake.

Outside the ballroom, we head towards the wall of red velvet curtains. I push through the sea of red, then stumble onto the floor of the meditation room. Theo lands next to me and we stare at the ceiling, laughing until tears stream from our eyes.

I reach out and take his hand. “Thanks for a great night. I forgive you for drugging me without my consent.”

He groans. “Hey, I drugged myself too.” He nudges me with his shoulder. “Still really sorry.”

“I know.” I hold up my pinky finger. “Best friends forever?”

“In all of time,” he replies.