🍸 Sober

by Thomas J. Misuraca

Alcohol and drugs ceased having effect. People all over the world could no longer get high or drunk. Scientists were baffled. There was no logical explanation. Though the internet offered plenty: a terrorist plot, the Democrats’ cancel culture, aliens, the hand of God. 

Whatever the cause, humanity became stone cold sober. 

Beer no longer made men watching sports with their buds feel forever young and part of a tribe. All it did was make them pee more, and worry about their prostates. 

Wine stopped making girls’ gatherings giddy with gossip. Instead, they reflected on how little they’d accomplished in their own lives. On the plus side, the red wine kept their hearts heathy. 

Nobody felt light and bubbly at events overflowing with champagne. Instead, they were bored and restless. 

Vacationers didn't commit crazy acts after a few tequila shots. They were now responsible for their own actions. 

No matter how many post-work martinis corporate drones downed, they couldn’t forget how much they hated their jobs, their families or life in general. 

Whisky still burned the throats and warmed the insides of connoisseurs, but not even all the whiskey in heaven could make them drunk on St. Patrick’s Day. 

So much for blaming calling or texting exes on multiple batches of Cosmopolitans.

Like bread during a pandemic, making moonshine became a trend. Some suspected that Big Alcohol was lessening the proofs to make us consume more. Most of the moonshine made people puke, not from intoxication, but because it was practically poisonous. That craze ended quickly.

Drinking continued to be a social activity for some, but without its effects, ordering a twenty dollar cocktail at a club was idiotic. Fancy fruit drinks took the world by storm. Bars and restaurants competed to create the most exotic concoctions. But at sports events, concerts, clubs and barbecues, soda dominated. The surge in diabetes was staggering. 

Those into recreational drugs didn't have it any better. 

Stoners sobered up and realized they’d wasted their lives. On top of that, all the food they enjoyed when they had the munchies now tasted like crap. Fast food restaurants ceased to stay open after nine due to lack of pothead business. 

Without the burst of energy from a snort that helped cokeheads get things done, they had to sit and focus on now obviously pointless tasks. And their noses were fucked up forever. Those few retro-80’s crack smokers quickly learned that the drug they used to control chaos never controlled anything. 

Who wanted to stick a needle in their arm (or between their toes, or in their eye) when heroin had no effect? Big Pharm tanked with the end of opioids’ effectiveness. OxyContin and Vicodin became worthless on the street. 

NSAIDs like aspirin still work. Doctors and scientists believe it’s because anti-inflammatories don’t affect the nervous system. For a more technical explanation, you can research medical publications, but basically, those with intense pain had to find ways to manage it without narcotics. 

Crystal Meth still made your teeth fall out, but the euphoria was gone. Tweakers continued smoking the stuff, hoping the rush would return. Instead, the chemicals destroyed their bodies. 

The trips from LSD, mushrooms and other “psychedelic” drugs were cut short. Users couldn’t tune in, turn on and drop out anymore. All they could do was carry on.

Club kids were surprised to discover how boring nightclubs were without Ecstasy/Molly, G and Special K. How did they ever dance to this boring, repetitive music? 

One positive note, Roofies no longer worked on unsuspecting victims. At least some predators were knocked off the game board.

The drop in crime was astounding. Junkies stopped breaking into houses to steal jewelry for a quick fix. Even homelessness decreased. Without drugs and alcohol to soften the harsh reality of the situation, the destitute were forced to picked themselves up and try to better their lives. Many succeeded. 

This strange occurrence took a toll on mental health. The demise of antidepressants, antipsychotics, lithium and other psychiatric medication left people suffering from mental disorders in the lurch. Focus turned to behavioral and group therapy, nutrition and vitamins, health and exercise, acupuncture and in some cases, magnetic therapy. Sadly, in the early days of this phenomenon, electro shock therapy and lobotomies were reintroduced for a short time. 

The world searched for other ways of getting high. Sex was the closest, easiest thing people could do for a buzz, even if it were only a temporary high. Prostitution was legalized in many states and whore houses popped up in the former locations of liquor stores and smoke shops.

Though there’s technically no such thing as a sugar high, people began consuming candy and confections to give themselves that burst of energy drugs once did. Dentists never had it so good.

Many turned to movies, music, art and literature. Getting lost in worlds that others created helped them stop thinking about their own for a while. Creating art became a bigger trend than moonshine. People loved the rush they felt when they got into the creative zone. Unfortunately those with real talent were lost in a tidal wave of mediocre art.  

Big Religion played their cards right and turned people on to the Holy Spirit again. The masses flocked to mass like they did when the world was young. Many claimed there was no greater high than singing gospel music or speaking in tongues. 

Those who were not keen on organized religion began practicing transcendental meditation and yoga. They found going within and expanding their consciousness was greater than any high. 

As the world cleared its collective consciousness, they began overcoming the things in life that made them unhappy. Bad thoughts were cast out, stressful jobs were quit and toxic people were ignored until they changed for the better. We focused on the important thing: love.

Society collectively strived to make this world a better place. We created more parks, more museums, more concert halls as well as more churches and meditation centers. We respected all paths to enlightenment. 

Instead of staying home to drown our sorrows or get high we went out to enjoy art, nature, and most of all, each other.

Work was only a means to an end. It was life that we now lived for. Our families, friends and loved ones were the priority. We cared more about everybody's well being than ever before.

Today, the world is a near utopia of enlightenment with only natural highs.

It’s beautiful.

But man, I’d kill for a good, strong martini.