🏰  Interviews for the Magic Kingdom's New Royal Family

by Deborah L. Davitt

Interviewer: Good morning, Maggie. You’re a human from Earth. What qualities do you bring that would make you an effective Queen?

Maggie: I’m a go-getter. I already know magic, so I’m totally a fit for the Magic Kingdom. 

Interviewer: Do you have experience with entertaining peasantry?

Maggie: I set up keggers, with elimination brackets for beer pong.

Interviewer: That’s a yes. 

Maggie: Also, I have a great sense of style, which you all clearly lack. You dress like it’s the fourteenth century. 

Interviewer: It is the fourteenth century. The twin gods of Order and Chaos spun our world from the nether—

Maggie: O-M-G. You’re a bunch of religious nuts here? I’m going to have to teach you about evolution. Seriously, backwards, dude. Next you’re going to tell me women can’t talk in public.

Interviewer: Of course women can speak, as well as drive carriages, and rule. This isn’t the Kingdom of Swords. Ahem. May I ask if you have any experience in diplomacy?

Maggie: Well, I had to stop a couple of girls from a full-on catfight once. 

Interviewer: No international treaties? 

Maggie: No. But they were pretty vicious co-eds.

Interviewer: Our language here is Magikana. How do you feel about learning the language of your subjects?

Maggie: I flunked first-year Spanish, dude!

Interviewer: Hmm. An ambassador from the Kingdom of Swords has insulted you. What do you do?

Maggie: I declare war! You let people see weakness, they’ll just walk all over you. And this resting bitch-face says “no one better tell me to smile and look pretty.”

Interviewer: I see. Why do you want this position? 

Maggie: I think being able to order people to die for me sounds like a pretty cool job. Plus, it’ll look great on my resume when I apply for Empress of Starovia. In the meantime, there’s all the bespoke dresses I can get.

Interviewer: Thank you, Maggie. We’ll be in touch. Madelaine, send in the next candidate, please. 

Interviewer: Alfred of Philosophia, thank you for portaling in on such short notice.

Alfred: Happy to be here!

Interviewer: We’ve already had preliminary discussions, so let’s skip to some hypotheticals. 

Alfred: By all means! 

Interviewer: Your kingdom has been usurped by a man who’s actually your bastard elder brother; you were driven into exile by this usurper, but have returned to reclaim your throne after he’s been captured. What do you do?

Alfred: I free him, apologize for our father’s treatment, and make him my chancellor.

Interviewer: I beg your pardon? You’d take the man who—until yesterday—wore the crown, and make him your right hand? 

Alfred: Absolutely.

Interviewer: Won’t he betray you, plunging the kingdom into civil war? Again?

Alfred: I’m sure he only acted out of bitterness.I believe that good treatment and a show of trust on my part will reconcile us.

Interviewer:  You’d gamble the lives of your subjects on that? 

A pause. 

A second scenario. You’re not the king, but his loyal lieutenant. You discover the queen has betrayed him, and his purported heir is a bastard. What do you do?

Alfred: I confront the queen and give her a chance to confess. Surely, she’ll want to avoid the humiliation of a public trial.

Interviewer: Isn’t the punishment for infidelity in a royal marriage the headsman’s block in Philosophia?

Alfred: Yes. Isn’t it everywhere?

Interviewer: So you believe she’d confess to a capital crime, so long as it’s done privately, rather than, say, arrange for your murder?

Alfred: If you give people the chance to be good, more often than not, they’ll take it.

Interviewer: Thank you, we’ll be in touch. 

Interviewer: Madelaine, you slipped the candidate who claims to have purchased our kingdom via a catalog back into the stack again.

Madelaine’s voice via crystal ball: He has wonderful ideas about indoor plumbing, sir.

Interviewer: Yes, but gentrification is an issue, and anyone who pushes adjustable-rate mortgages belongs in the dungeon. Send in the last one, would you? Tony, I think?

Tony: Err, hi... First, I’d like to apologize for pulling this sword out of the stone in the courtyard. I didn’t mean to be a bad tourist, or vandalize your monuments. I’m happy to pay the fine— 

Interviewer: You pulled the sword from the stone?

Tony: I get that it’s a serious infraction. 

Interviewer: Wasn’t it difficult?

Tony: I was leaning on it for a picture and it came away in my hand. Frankly, it was just sitting in a hole in the rock. Jamming it in there in the first place would’ve been the hard part, right?

Interviewer: Would you happen to have any background in international relations?

Tony: Well, I’m majoring in Political Science with a minor in medieval history. Because pretty much every problem we have today can be traced back to misunderstandings in the past.

Interviewer: Do you speak any other languages?

Tony: My dad’s an executive in a multinational corporation. We’ve lived all over the world—Kuala Lumpur, Dubai, Mexico City. I’ve picked up enough of two or three languages that I won’t offend the locals when I order dinner. Um, why?

Interviewer: If you were a king, and an ambassador insulted you, what would you do?

Tony: Well, if you’re the king, you represent your country. Any insult to you is an insult to your country. But insults are usually an aggressive stance to offer a pretext for hostilities. So I’d need to know more about the situation—whether ignoring the insult would be an irreparable loss of face—

Interviewer: I’ve heard enough. We have a job for you. 

Tony: So is this like, community service for pulling this sword out of that rock?

Interviewer: More or less. You’d be our king. Any questions?

Tony: …lots. Most pressingly, did someone slip something in my drink? Because you really look like a large, talking hedgehog at the moment.

Interviewer: That’s because I am a large talking hedgehog. Welcome to the Magic Kingdom, your Majesty.

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