š From HR, with love by Alex Atkins & Marlee Ryan
i don't get paid enough for this

š From HR, with love
by Alex Atkins & Marlee Ryan
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: The Usual Suspects
It has been brought to our attention that someone has been mistakenly taking lunches with Shelley Goldsteinās name on them. This is your second reminder that labelled lunches are not to be touched.
Also a request to please stop putting Post-it notes on the cream that say āis it though?ā
Best regards,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: shelley.goldstein@hendersons.net
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: The One With The Sandwich
Hey Shelley,
Unfortunately an anonymous sticky note that says āletās play hide the salamiā in what looks like Scottās handwriting isnāt really enough proof for us to reprimand him for stealing your lunch.
Weāve issued a second warning and posted it in the lunchroom.
Warm regards,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: The Thomas Crown Affair
Please note that general use printer codes have been revoked. You have each been e-mailed a personal code assigned to your employee number. After the incident involving 134 colour copies of Scott Hutchesonās defaced employee of the month photo being placed on every desk, management will be monitoring your codes.
Lukewarm regards,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: Dude, Whereās My Car
Please be advised, we have been informed that a green Honda civic has been regularly parking in Shelley Goldsteinās space. All parking spaces are clearly labelled! Repeat offences will result in the vehicle being towed. We assume you can all read your names properly, don't let us down.
Best,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: scott.hutcheson@hendersons.net
From: Human Resources
Subject: The One With The Parking Space
Hey Scott,
We understand that what Shelley said was inappropriate however it happened in the parking lot - and donāt you drive a green Honda civic?
Suspiciously,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: Fight Club
We highly encourage staff to resolve their differences with words, however choice of phrase should be kept appropriate for the workplace.
We have booked a sensitivity training working lunch. Attendance is mandatory. (Yes, even management).
Warily,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Good afternoon everyone,
We are very excited to announce our third annual company retreat will be held in Las Vegas this year! We encourage everyone to pack their evening wear for the gala as well as casual attire for the daily workshops. Please let me know no later than Thursday if you require any special considerations in regards to accommodations or nutritional needs. No, your āappetite for loveā doesn't count. Furthermore, anyone caught conspiring about the trust fall exercises this year will be reprimanded.
Please be on your best behaviour, we all remember what happened to Jim last time. (He is recovering well and sends his best!)
With cautious optimism,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: Casino
This should go without saying, but skinny dipping is NOT permitted during the company retreat. Whomever left their clothing beside the hot tub, you may both pick it up at room 312. No, this will not be done anonymously - you will have to answer to me to get your items back. Please take this opportunity to come forward, we donāt want to have to check the cameras. You also left the lid open.
Additionally, Stephen, we know you snuck out of training to hit the slots. We have scheduled you a private make-up session today at 4:30pm.
With disbelief,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: The Truman Show
Since nobody has claimed their clothing articles, we were forced to check the security footage.
We know who you are. This issue will be maxing out my extended health benefit coverage RE: therapy.
Gentle reminder that HR is to be informed of all inter-office relations per our Employee Handbook.
I donāt get paid enough for this,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: shelley.goldstein@hendersons.net; scott.hutcheson@hendersons.net
From: Human Resources
Subject: The One With The Therapy Bills
Guys,
Come to my office before the end of the day, please. Employee Handbook attached.
Wishing I went to med school like my parents wanted,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: The Secretary
An order for office furniture will be placed Friday at noon following reports of a collapsed desk in the accounting department. Please inspect your desks and chairs for damage and report anything that may require replacement. We have also been made aware of several wall photos damaged and two broken lamps. Due to the apparent quality issues we are seeing, we will be trying a new company for this order. The catalogue is attached for your reference and if there is anything you believe we should be adding, please don't hesitate to reach out.
An office supply order will go in tomorrow as we once again seem low on Post-it notes. Please let Lisa know if you need anything added to the order.
With eye rolls,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: shelley.goldstein@hendersons.net; scott.hutcheson@hendersons.net
From: Human Resources
Subject: The One With The Steel Desks
Hey guys,
Can I ask if there is any particular reason you both requested industrial strength steel desks be added to the office furniture order? Lisa was concerned, theyāre rather expensive.
Shelley, you have also broken two desk organisers this month. This is the last one the company is paying for.
Best,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: Cool Runnings
Utility carts are not to be used for racing!
Two of the utility carts from the copy room were found this morning at the end of the main hallway, both missing wheels. There appears to be corresponding dents in the wall indicating it had been hit repeatedly. This is both destruction of company property, as well as a serious safety concern. Anyone with information is encouraged to come forward. My door is always open.
Losing the will to live,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: Copycat
The photocopier for this floor is currently broken. We are aware of the problem and the tech has been called. Suspicious prints on the glass were found - DON'T MAKE ME PUT CAMERAS IN THE COPY ROOM, PEOPLE!
Additionally, has anyone seen the windex?
Screaming into the void,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: scott.hutcheson@hendersons.net
From: Human Resources
Subject: The One With The Rubber Gloves
Hey Scott,
Thank you for providing windex. Much appreciated.
Questioning my life choices,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: American Beauty
We will be introducing a āScent Free Environmentā campaign following the very sweet albeit misguided display of rose petals scattered throughout the halls and into one of the executive offices. Several of our employees suffer from extreme allergies and had to be sent home for the day. The cleaning staff was also less than pleased about flowers ground into the carpet. It took them an extra two hours, and we all know how Mr. Henderson feels about paying overtime.
Please be respectful of those around you and how your grand romantic gestures may impact them. For future reference, you can get fake ones at the dollar store. But keep it at home, please.
Have the day you deserve,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: shelley.goldstein@hendersons.net; scott.hutcheson@hendersons.net
From: Human Resources
Subject: The One With The Photos
Dear Shelley and Scott,
I have attached [another] copy of the Employee Handbook below as a reminder that company emails are monitored!
I would like to strongly advise that you send your⦠correspondence?... via personal devices. And I would also like to suggest that you not do this on company time?
I recognize the bathroom in that photo, Shelley! Come on, guys. I donāt get paid enough for this.
Shaking my head,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: Independence Day
In preparation for the upcoming fourth of July celebration, weād like to send a friendly reminder of the following company policies:
- Tongs are for cooking ONLY
- Alcoholic beverages are limited to 2 per person. No Scott, you donāt get more because youāre ātallerā. The punch bowl will be monitored at all times. Jello shots also count as drinks, not dessert.
- Fireworks are not allowed under any circumstances
A reminder that we are doing a potluck this year! Please utilise the signup sheet for what to bring.
Best regards,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: The Unforgiven
Whoever changed everyoneās assignments for the fourth of July potluck to cake, that was NOT funny.
On thin ice,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: shelley.goldstein@hendersons.net
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: The One Where The Company Tried to Cut Costs
Hey Shelley,
You were right - potluck was a really bad idea. Iāve pleaded the case to Mr. Henderson that we return to company-provided lunches for staff events.
Surviving not thriving,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: Office Space
I have re-posted some of the content from our staff sensitivity training session on how to appropriately resolve conflicts with colleagues. Friendly reminder that threatening people with staplers will not be tolerated.
From the trenches,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: shelley.goldstein@hendersons.net
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: The One With The Rage
Hey Shelley,
Iām sorry but we canāt fire Scott on the grounds that he is a ādouche canoeā.
Whatever he did, work it out on your own. AT HOME.
Scarily close to 2007 Britney,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: scott.hutcheson@hendersons.net
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: The One With The Delivery Guy
Hi Scott,
I can appreciate the magic of new love, truly. Grovelling is a dying art. However, 27 chocolate deliveries in one day is a little excessive, donāt you think?
A little womanly advice, Iām sure Shelley appreciates the gesture - but no woman wants the gift of diabetes. Even when itās an apology. Next time, try a spa.
I just work here,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager

To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: Mission Impossible
Please be advised we have had to place cameras in the photocopy room.
Canāt afford to quit,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: As Good As It Gets
While we are very excited for staff members who have ātaken the next stepā and gotten a puppy together, we must sadly remind you that this is an animal-free workplace with the exception of service animals.
Too pretty for jail,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: scott.hutcheson@hendersons.net
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: The One With The Dog
No, Scott - āemotional support cutenessā doesnāt count. Leave the dog at home.
I give up,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: Indecent Proposal
I would like to extend our sincere congratulations to Scott and Shelley on their recent engagement! They have asked me to pass along their apologies for any disruption the Mariachi band may have caused. Scott, you have a lovely voice, I didn't know a man could hit those notes.
You all have my personal thanks for keeping the confetti cannons outdoors. I don't know who you paid to shape the front hedges into hearts, but the groundskeeping staff were very impressed and would like their contact information. Property management has threatened legal action if it happens again.
I think I speak for everyone when I say, please keep future celebrations at home.
Stay classy,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: My Best Friendās Wedding
Please see attached invitation to the wedding of Shelley Goldstein & Scott Hutcheson which they have extended to the entire department.
This is not a company event but please, for the love of all thatās holy, make good choices people. Nobody is allowed to call in sick that Monday.
Warmest wishes (no, really),
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: Four Weddings and a Funeral
PLEASE STOP RAIDING THE OFFICE SUPPLY CABINET. While I appreciate the humour in a Post-it note bust of Mr Henderson, this is not an appropriate wedding gift!
Iām calling in sick on Monday,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: shelley.hutcheson@hendersons.net; scott.hutcheson@hendersons.net
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: The One With The Name Change
Hey Shelley,
Congratulations again! Just confirming your company email address has been changed.
PS - Please - for my sake - remember we installed cameras in the photocopy room.
Maybe thereās hope,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
To: All Staff
From: Human Resources <marcie.davis@hendersons.net>
Subject: Groundhog Day
WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS PEOPLE!! Labelled lunches in the fridge are not to be touched. Whoever took my turkey sandwich is in BIG trouble. Glen, if this was you again, Iām double parking you.
I quit,
Marcie Davis | CHRP
Senior Human Resources Manager
Alex Atkins is a chronic genre-straddler and ADHD as fuck. She won the NYC Midnight Award for Flash Fiction in 2024. Alexās short stories can be found in Elegant Literature, Graveside Press, Furious Fiction, and more. She published her debut novel, Them Bones, in 2024. She lives in Muskoka, ON, with her partner, two dogs, and three horses.
A fun place for people who love the web.
Comments ()