🎭 Faces for Sale at Iz’s Emporium

by Katherine Garrison

Welcome to Iz’s Emporium, purveyor of fine faces since the dawn of the homo genus. Society’s telling you they don’t like your resting face? Let me have a look. Ah, yes, the RBF 2.3, one of the original models, lots of people want to replace that one. We have the finest resting faces on offer! Do you want happy, angry, sad, neutral? Follow me! Take a look at this wall over here. Pick one, two, or more and try them on. I’m not here to judge. The mirrors are over there.

You’ve made some great choices. I think the second one suits you best, since you’re asking. But it’s up to you. Yes, the fifth one’s nice too. Once they’re on, move them around a bit, poke, prod,  give ‘em a stretch. Do you need me to tighten it? How does it feel? You’re picking the first one? Yes, that’s a popular choice. With a name like Demure 3000, I can see why. The lips rest with a pleasing contour. With those upturned corners, I guarantee no one will call you rude anymore. It’s quite the gentle face.

While you’re here, can I interest you in some other faces? Maybe one for each day of the week? We have a special offer on right now. If you purchase Monday through Saturday faces, I’ll throw in Sunday’s for free. Do you get to choose the free face? Well, no, it’s a surprise. I promise I won’t do you dirty, though. We have a surplus of faces that often get overlooked. There are some bona fide beauties. Poor faces. We like to show them some love. This could be your chance to stand out!

Over to the right we have our influencer face line. So many different looks, natural makeup, alternative makeup, bright coloured eyeshadow options. Lots of eyeliner options too! Look at this one! I bet you could rock black lipstick, ya know. 

You only have the stamina for a Monday face? That’s alright! Tell ya what, I’ll give you another deal. Get two faces, and the third is half off. It’s worth it, I promise. You won’t find deals like these at any other face vendor.

You want to see the overlooked faces? That’s very kind of you! They’re over here, past the customer service faces. Those are some of our best sellers. Can’t keep them on the shelf. They wear out so fast. 

See, I told you there were some excellent options back here. The cost varies. This one only needs three-quarters of a day’s energy to maintain. Yes, that’s a tantalizing price, I know. That one? I call it The Energizer-B, it’s part of our high-energy range. Lots of people come in inquiring about it, but end up blanching at the cost. Buy it and you’ll be the talk of the town; a hardworking, look-on-the-bright-side, life of the party, neighborhood hero. Everyone will line up to be your best friend. For the price of two and a half days of energy, it’s all yours. Steep I know, but look at it, it’s a work of art. Here’s another deal for you. If you buy this face, I’ll give you your resting face for free. I’d love to find it a home.

Wow! You’ll take it? That’s excellent news. I’ve waited years for the right buyer. I knew today was going to be a good day. I could taste it on the wind. You too? Wonderful!

Wait, do you want to try it on? There’s nothing worse than buyer’s remorse, and all our faces are non-refundable. No? Alright, a risk taker, I like it. A suggestion for this face; because of energy requirements, I would wear it on a day like Friday, or whichever of the days serves as the sentinel to your weekend. That way, you have nothing to do for the next couple of days and can recuperate with your new Demure 3000. Also, to make sure your faces stay in pristine condition, please moisturize them and use SPF 30 or higher. We wouldn’t want to lose such beauty to the whims of the sun. Any other questions?

No? Thank you for visiting Iz’s Emporium. We hope you enjoy your fabulous fresh faces!

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