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You know what's hilarious? Scientology speedruns.
If you, too, are late to the party, this is a shadowbanned TikTok trend from April of 2026. It takes effort to run down actual footage without feeding the attention economy lampreys, but hey, wait, was that a “Subway Surfers” meme‽ ((Bonus points for the Jesus and Sonic outfits. Anyone got a Travolta mask?))
I, much like L. Ron Hubbard, fucking hate runners.^[Look up “fair game” in Scientology. Also, see Leah Reimini's decade-old AMA on Reddit.] Or any game with a level timer. Or rails. Or walls of death. Or timed hits and QTEs.^[Maybe I don't like video games.] Basically anything that doesn't let you take things at a vaguely abstracted, happy-go-lucky pace. We veterans of the early 90’s Console Wars know our limits. How are you supposed to aim all of your attention at a single curved screen when you have CDs to listen to, printouts from GameFAQs to underline, snacks to inhale, and a little sister to convince it's still your turn for some convoluted reason even though she gets farther than you by button mashing?
But I like speedrunning. Watching it, at least. Cue GDQ's “AGDQ” and “SGDQ.”^[SDV: Slowed Down Version]^[Game Done Quick's “Awesome Games Done Quick” and “Summer Games Done Quick.”] ((If you're into charity, they do that. If you're into behind-the-scenes drama, they do that, too.))
It's next-level ironic. All that time, energy, and training to shave fractions of seconds off the-game-within-the-game-within-the-game, laser focusing on a non-transferable set of surgeon-precise skills just to get good enough at something people watch you do for the absolute least amount of time possible.
Great stuff.
Obviously, I can't advocate speedrunning. As a perpetual fuckup and semi-pro burnout, I have a vested interest in the idea that “the journey is its own reward.” You know, that jade-plated consolation prize, that you can see the emperor has no clothes. That there is no Final Stage, no Great Reward when you play a rigged game as a pawn that can never reach the other side of the board.^[Though I'm sure someone will crown you and tell you you did a great job—the best job, no one's ever done it better than you—if you pay them enough.] That Final Boss boogieman^[Yeah, “boogie,” like “Saturday Night Fever.”] is just a cracked-mirror reflecting your own insecurities. ((You'll never meet the Game Designer, either.)) The real adventure was the ennui that prevented you from enjoying life along the way.
Straight guff.
General Strats
- You have to spend time to save time.
- The intended way isn't the quickest.
- Batch necessary repetitive actions.
- Skip cutscenes whenever possible.
- Not every msitake is reset-worthy. Keep at it!
From “Super Metroid”: Arm Pumping
It's not what you do today that counts, it's what you do neurotically every second of every day that counts.
From “Super Mario 64”: BLJ^[or LBJ, whatever you're into]
You don't have to face your problems. Face the other way and spam long jump until those problems get out of the way.
From “Diablo 2”: Experience Penalty
You are being watched. Your accomplishments can and will be held against you in a court of law, and you're not invited.^[Neither are you, Josef K.—so stop asking!]
From “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time”: Bottle Duplication
He takes a whiskey drink. He takes a vodka drink. He drinks whatever the hell he wants, and so can you!^[Remember, gamer fam, if you use a Game Genie or Gameshark, that's cheating. When it's a glitch, that's an “exploit.” ProTip: If you can't be the Game Designer, bribe them.]
Bonus Lessons & Footage
- Love conquers all … 🔗 “'Titenic' by authorblues”
- A bad ending is still an ending … 🔗 “'Die Hard' by KirkQ”