🔭 The (Moon) essay

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1. Oh my god, they faked the Moon landing!

If you buy that bullshit scroll to 2.
If you buy some other bullshit scroll to 3.

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2. You bastards! But why renew scrutiny with a fresh space race? You've read Woodward and Berenstain. Dislodge that old chestnut from your windpipe and follow the money.

If you distrust half-trillionaires scroll to 9.
Else it's time to talk Chinese fire chicken and scroll to 11.

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3. They should've though—consider the stakes. The only sensible option was to hire an eccentric auteur to fake it and hope he didn't hide a confession in a major studio film based on a New York Times Bestseller. (Half-baked documentary review of “Room 237”: Best consumed fully baked.) Insert your own rounded-edges cultural reference here. If you're sick of Joe “Man of Steel” Rogan's psuedo-Buber, I-Thou interviews with Bart Sibrel, try the music video for Rammstein's “Amerika” or Steven Toast's drunken radio confessions.

You want modern space cadets? Scroll to 7.
You want the truth? Scroll to 11.

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4. My step-mom was a medical transcriptionist. She swore there were more crazies in the ER on full moons, despite what the numbers say. Maybe that's confirmation bias. Maybe the statisticians are in on it. I'd ring her up on the ol' Ouija board for clarification, but last time she went on and on about some A.I. bubble. Or was that Cory Doctorow? Anyway, I won't try again. You know that old saying about insanity…

No, what saying? Scroll to 4.
No use crying over spilt Moon milk. Scroll to 8.

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5. I've never seen a non-t-shirt wolf howl. Not even in Yellowstone. I lugged my mom there for her 60th birthday many moons ago. She was a good sport. She even played along the first few times I parked at empty pullouts and excitedly pointed, brandishing binoculars at nothing, just to see how many cars would stop. (Two. One. Seven.)

THE END

I hope you enjoyed this web of truths and finally figured out The Real Secret©®™. Feel free to pick up an off-brand Choose Your Own Adventure book as you exit through the gift shop. (Brainwashed doqueuementary re-view: This is still really funny and poignant.) You know R.L. Stine penned a few of those before Goosebumps took off. After, too. Across the pond, they've got the Fighting Fantasy series. Have you heard about the two Steve Jacksons? That's the reason I never got good at art. Sure, that's why. I still wish I could draw badass kaiju comics, though.

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6. Actually..! according to the 1967 “Treaty on Principles Governing the Activities of States in the Exploration and Use of Outer Space, Including the Moon and Other Celestial Bodies,” no country can own the Moon. (Note the Disney-sized loophole.) But, hey, remember that Sino-Russo nuclear power plant? That's for the no-American-Girls-allowed International Lunar Research Station. A courtesy Wikipedia flush reveals two ILRS countries, Serbia and Senegal, have neither signed nor ratified the aforementioned treaty. Some Google ad sifting adds Djibouti to both lists. Coincidence?

If you're concerned about me scroll to 4.
If you're concerned about the Moon scroll to 10.

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7. Coming to theaters this April, or maybe February—fickle funding spurs high performance—it's… “Artemis II: Apollo 13, But on Purpose.” Then boots with people in them by 2027. (Lunar deportation timeline forthcoming.) Meanwhile, China and Russia have agreed to supplement their terrestrial irredentism with an extraterrestrial nuclear power plant. Hurry up, America, huck some uranium up there, pronto! And some more auto-flapping flags!

U-S-A! U-S-A! Turbolift to 6.
Surely you jest. Warp to 10.

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8. During frosh orientation week, someone in Oberlin's art department wall-screened Stan Brakhage's “Dog Star Man.” In stoic silence, I became intimately acquainted with my own heartbeat and bowels—the former upset by provocative juxtapositions, the latter by lentils and fresh vegetables. The Moon is nothing if not a vehicle for discovery. Well before Wells' “The First Men in the Moon” and miles before Georges Méliès's “A Trip to the Moon,” there was Lucian of Samosata's “True History.” (Mixed-medium review trio: 1. Still in my reading stack. 2. Is this where Ed Harris got the Moon gravity idea? 3. Is everyone, everywhen at war? Also, Greek descriptions of how men get pregnant puts “Junior” in a whole new light.) Now what was I on about?

If you're sure I was building to something, scroll to 9.
If you're bracing for more tangents, scroll to 13.

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9. Elon Musk is a Martian werewolf. His Fortean obsession with X betrays malign influence and his whole Mars-first agenda is a thinly veiled attempt to get up there and go full Jack Nicholson on the Red Planet. <<Grok, would calling Elon Musk a Martian werewolf be considered libelous?>> (…) <<Thought for 7s… No, calling Elon Musk a Martian werewolf would almost certainly not be considered libelous under U.S. defamation law.>>

You're a lunatic! Scroll to 4.
The musk wolf is a harsh mistress! Scroll to 12.

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10. The Moon's got friends in high places. Ever heard of quasi-moons? Me neither. But Earth has a newish one, 2025 PN7. (Thanks for the heads up, Pan-STARRS.) That makes eight known asteroidal sorta-satellites, and if you rearrange the letters in all their names and ignore the numbers, you get “Xongl'falakvraflwemdoopawcaey.” Spooky, right?

Um … okay. Got any Moonlore? Scroll to 8.
Now That's What I Call Eldritch Knowledge! Scroll to 11.

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11. Cue up a David Icke documentary on YouTube. (Oh-yeah-I-remember-this reviews: “David Icke, The Lizards, and The Jews” holds up pretty well. That VICE mini-doc is anodyne but un-hollow-earths a gem from Icke's forthcoming one-man show where he travels through time and harangues his younger self while watching steam trains at the pier. Just make sure, you don't let it autoplay into any of those robot-voiced, clickbait videossssssssssss
    G̴͇̹͇̭̫̣̗̝̺̯͒͠͠o̷̡̭̫̗̲̰̲̰̤͇̣̜̱̍o̴͚̤̙̬̖̔ḍ̴̛̞̭͎̎́̃̐n̴̢̻͒͑̋̏̃̑͑̓̃̌̈́̊͜î̸̲͓̭̭͈͈͓̲̑̔̄̈́͛̇͒g̸̯͕̮̭̎̅̌h̶͐͋́̾̕͜t̵̢̡̤̲̣͓̳̎̿͆́̓̄͝ ̸̦̳̖̹͈̪̦̎͌̑̕s̸̫̣̦̬̮̪͍͎̰̪̜̐̒̍͝h̶̡̬̘̺̤͈̎͆́̔̚e̴̡͈̾ę̶̨̨̨̛̛̞̖̳̟͈̺́̐͑͒͜p̵̢͇̯̼̝̰̼͙͎̲̒̏̈̽̀́̄̏͊̀͑ ̸̺̗̯̞̮̟̐̑̈́͊͋̎̉̚a̶̜̗̣̥͍̲̣͚̟̻͇̯͒̾͆̅̆̓̓̍̓͌͐̕͝n̷̡̡̘͎̜͈̹̖̘͌d̶̡̯̤̮̳͈̞͙͙̤̤̯͑͗̊̎̈́̓ ̵̧͙͙͍͎̠͕̺̰̩̥̤͊͒̑̾̕͝ģ̸̧̦͉̖͒̓͂̂̉͛̿̀̇͊̀̋͠ó̴̩͙̺̻̣̼͖̥̫̈́͋̽͘ǒ̷̻̗͕̯̯̞̩̞̦̦͎̦̈́͛͋́̒̓͊ͅd̴̨̡͙͙͚̭̼̗̼̺̥̽͜͝ͅņ̸̙̳̗̙͈̍͆͋͒͠ï̸̟̣͓̜̥̬̝̐ͅg̸̢̛̱̭̜̟̊̀͋͐h̵̹͈̭͈͒̆̈͛͛͌̕ͅt̴͈͓̀̾̈́̈̈̄̓́͛̋̈͝͝ ̶̪̹̼̤̯̪̟̺̲͖̥̍̅̚͜A̶̢̤͈̦͇̖͖̺͙̔̓͂̈́͘.̴̢̜͉̟̗̼͙̗̩̖͓̐̀I̸̘̩̝͉̹̝̽͆̓̓̾̔͝.̸̞̺̪͚̠͇̯͕̀̀̅̃ ̸̱̯̤͙̠̹̘͇̞̜̆̇͒̃̄̌̅̀̄̚͜͜͝ͅs̶̟͈̐̄̐̽̽͆͗̈̄̐̃̓l̷̛͎̮̤̹͕̰͙̈́̒̍̈́͗͌̄̀̈́̽͒͛o̸̻͚͍̙̗̹̾͑̓̓̊̽̿̒͑̀͝p̶̨̨̨̬̣̤̫̹̘͔̠̰̾̅͋̐̃͗͛̇͘͜͝.̴̧̥̝̪̲̪̖̖͇̺͑̑̌̂͌̂̓̓̏́̌͜͠ ̸̠͍̻̩̫͔̗̞͍̟̞͖̄͂̑̐͝Ġ̷̛̭̥̜̥̀̽͛͛͐̈́̎̅̇̽͜͝ǫ̵̽̊̾̓o̶̲͌̂̿̑̓̽̎͝͠d̴̛̘͎̭̞̪͍̪̎͗̇́͗̈̍̈͜n̴̢̹̪͙̹̬͇̹̣͔̥̭̈̀̇̂̔̇̑́͆̔̍ĩ̶̢͕͇̺̦̦̺̩̙̈́͌͊͛̈́̀̋͘͝g̴͍̿͂̽͛̽͆̎͘h̸̡̖̗̹̠̩͍̝̖̾̃̀̑̆ͅt̵̡̯̬̳̜̱͕̟̃̆͌͛͐̀͘͜ ̵̡̛̛̱̯͇̺̹͚͔̲̙͙͒̉̑̈́͆͛͒͑̀̌̂͜ͅb̶̧̳̹̭͔̯͎̮̜̮̪͉̀̃̃̒͌͐͒̀̅̓̒̌͗͜l̴͔̝̙̲̤͖͑̂͂́͛̂̃̚͜͝ͅò̷̱̘̣̘̖͔̮̈́̍̑̊̊̚ó̷̥̼̺͖̠̦̟̹͇̭͕̗̽d̸̡̬̫̩͉̥̲̾́̏̀̎̈́̀̇ͅ-̷̹̝̼̩͍͇̥͓̣͔͒͗̍̎̉̉͋̓͊̏͠͠ͅd̶̡̢͖̤͔̜̩́ͅͅr̵̟̘̤̀̏͜ṷ̴̹͕͚̘͊̍̈́̊̃̎̐̀̑̋̋̚ṉ̴̡̣̱̜̑̽͐͒̀̈́̽͛̾̓͜͜͝k̴͖͙̭̮̠͕̰̈́̃͆̎͆̒͆ ̷̢͈̔͒̐̆̌́̽͑͂͝r̶̛͔͓̓͆̇̊̽͐̇̈́̓̕͜e̶̢̨̢̠̲̼̠̝̗̖̠͍̽̾̌̋͛͊p̷̛̤͉̼̘̹̮̝̖̖̦͈͌̍̂͐̅͝t̷̨̨̲̫̰̜͈̳̣͎̽̍͛̉ȍ̵͔͈̺̗̯̻̰̊͒̿̆̎́̿̅̋̏̊͠ͅi̶̡̧̧͔͍̫͇̬̯̭̤͙̔̿͑̄̈́͘͝ͅd̶̡̧͎̱̳̥̗̲̦̼̄̐̇̆̎́̆̈́̄̉̔̍͜s̵̨̹͇͈̪͙͍̹͙̜͎̒͑̾͊͊̊̕ ̴̨̤̉̍̽̇̓̊̒̕̚ẁ̸̳̤̥̥͓̪̪͖́̏̄̉̄̿̌́̊̽̈͗i̴̲̭̭̣̱̼̫̊̎̊̍͋̎̂̅͂̈̚͠ͅt̷̡̠̦̟͙̭̲͇̬͆͗͌͝ḩ̷͚͊͊̀ ̴̢̠͕̜̉͑̓̐͌͑͠ͅg̶̣͍̲̳̼̪͍̖̹̟̭̩̬̒͒̍̉̔́̍̇͐̎̌̔̽ḷ̵̢͕̲̜͚̫͎̤̬̾͒̑͐́̒̑̈́̇̿͜ī̸̤͙̭̟͎̹̜̖̟͒͆͑͌̅́̍́͗̋͌͠ͅt̸̢̗͑̎̒c̸̘̝̩̬̻̼͕̊́̃̀̏̕h̷̪̳͔̅̈́̿̓̑͌́́͘̕̕y̸̡̯͈̱̦̩̯͕͋̽̉̌̽͂͑̌͘̕͘͜ ̵̢̡̉͋͌̾̔̀͝t̶̬̗̠̣͖̰̥̠̲̜̺̓̌̔̃̌͆͒̏̉̒͘̚͠ȩ̴͎͙̒̃́̈͂̍̿́͝c̴̨̦̘̳͙͍͚̒͋̄͜ẖ̵͕͕̥̳̽́̅̈̄̾̄͋̈́́͒́ ̸̧̭̘͕͔̻̖̞̣̉̅̐͛̔̚ả̵̮͇̱̒̕n̷̡̫̗͙̭̱͓̬͙͔̫̻̗͌̈̈́̒̿͊̄̇̋͛̕͝d̸̩̠̼̲̯̪̙̫̖̞͑ ̵̢̧̧̤͓͎̞̉̎̈́͋̇̚p̷̛̜̠̭͙͎̼̗͓͋̿̐͒̾̃͐̏́͂a̸̧͍͓̱̺̦̬̎̔̀͋́̕ų̴̛͉̙͕̦̳̣̬̩͍̫̃͐͗̈́͆̎͆̓̀͐͜n̸͚̦͑̄̌̿ĉ̵͉͙̱̌́̽̈́͋h̸̨͍̟͈͖̦́̽̏̄͂́͌͜ ̶̨̡̧̞̖̮̠̱̮̰̤̍͊̉́͗̍̕ͅb̵̲̈̀̈́̌̽͝͝e̶̡̘̤̩͇̮̺̤̳̩̎͛̽́̽̕͜͝l̵̢̨͈͈͔͚̦̖̜̀̂́l̵͎̣̻̑͌̍̍͛̑͆̿̑i̷̡̡̧̺̦̪͎̩̜̣̊͘ͅẹ̸̠͉̠̓́̒̃̓̀̇͒́̎̕š̶͓͎̐͛̂͂̚̚̚,̴̥̮́̒͋̒̆͛̈͝ ̵̡̡̛̗̮̹͖̬͔̩̲̼̈́́̏̋͗͜͝͝p̴̢̖̝̯̣͛̎̏̕ư̵̱̝̦̺͔̮̪̳̣̰̳̆̌̌̈́͊̀p̶̼̮̞̟̙͓̉͊̕͜p̶̣̠̩͎̤̭̯͉̰̺̟͇͐ͅę̸̛͓͔̥͉̜̂͝t̵̢̝̳̱̹̪͉̤̳̺̩͕̂̏̔̈́͆̏͐ ̵̭̭͎͇͎̭̻͇̱̂̓̉͌̽͘m̴̰͙̟̺̝͚͋̎̉̍̓̈́͘͜͜͝a̷͚͉͎͖̺̥͍̰̰͍̞̓s̶̜̗̿̑͋̓͋̋ͅt̶͖̘̼͇̻̖̥͙̱̻͐̅͑͊͛̽̔͆ë̵̪̬͎͓͔́̐r̵̨̳͙̦͎̝̬̹̱͖̹̖̓̿̂̑̅͗̉͝i̵̢̛̝͖͛̔͒͆̿́̇͂̅͝ň̴̞̳̀͝g̶̡͖̬͆̈̈̒͗͘ ̷̘̼̰̘͚̖̌̈͐̂̿s̵͖̹̹͂̈́̿͠e̸̢̻͉͖͍͊̐c̷̡̻̠͈̰̞̯̻̥̳̏̿̊̓́̔͌̑͆͜ͅṙ̵̛̛͇̠͍̤͊͂̇ĕ̵̹͇̲̒̅̇̒̏͒̐̆̄̏̚͠t̶̤̳̤͐ͅͅ ̸̛̙͙̎̊̾͌̉̃̌͆̽̈́͘n̸̡̠̤̹̳̰͆̃̀̀͑̈́̔̒̄̀ͅẻ̴̡̧͖̝̯͓̤̖̟̙͈͐̊̏́̕ẅ̶͈͚̻͓͍ ̶͙͕̤̥̬͔͍͂̈́̈́̂̓̇͒w̴̞̝̲̪̳̱̥͆̋̍̒̐͝o̵̧̡͇̼̼̞̼͛̌̒̍r̵̨̛̭̫̥̼̪͚̦̥͉͔̓́̓̎͗̒͐̋̆̒̓͘l̷̨̛͚͙̝͖̙̭̘̺̖̯̟̍̈́̋̽̐̽͘͝d̸̨̦̠̞̣̠̱͈͍̯̼͒̇̽͋͂̔̕͜ ̴̛̘̐̏̈͝ô̶̗̮̲͉̲̙̋̔͌̋ŗ̵̩̮̙̻̤̾̓͋̈́̒̎͊͌d̶̼͖͉͚̒̇e̸̟͍̩̼̜͗͋̓͌̉͠ͅŕ̴̖̖̮̦̦̔̍ș̸̤͐͋̆ͅ ̷̯̘̹͓̼̗̯̬̄̈́͊̏̐̆u̶̗̟͚͑̀̅̓͛͛́͛̃͝͝ṕ̸̨̡͍͉̙͚̪̳̊̉ͅ ̵̜̮̝͓̭̩͉̩͈͋͗͜o̵̡̼̗̠͓̥̜̩̦͍͗͜n̸̖̠̭͆̽̽̎̒̎͆̃̆ ̵̙̤͓͍͂͒̈̍͠͝t̷̨̨̛̲̮͙̹͓̻͔͕̻̋̓̽͆̈́̆ḥ̶͇̬̹̭̯͇͔̗̍͂͊̈́̎̿̐͐͝ͅͅͅá̶͎̻̲̒͂̽̒̓̃̕͝t̷͍̞̳͙̪̆͆̐̌͊̒̊ ̵͓̥̞̩̻͖͎̫͎̗̈́͌́̓̃å̷̘̩͙̣͕̓́͊͛͝r̶̰͈̱͍̰̉͌͊̌̔͆t̸̞͕̥̗͉͚̫̖̥̥̃̓́̀̐͛͜͝ị̶̛͕̅͛̑̂̏f̸̫͍͕̹̪̣̬̱̺̉ͅì̸͈̥̰̣̦̽̈̒̑̒c̸̗̻̆̅͐ȉ̷̳͔̠̀̈́̏͑̐̈́̄̌͂̐͘a̶̼̝̻̯̦͚͙̟̾̽͊͋͌͌͘l̵̢̨̢̥̰̝̖̱̳̖̰̻̒̎͒̅͌̅̈̀̂̇ ̷̧͓͕͎̼̗̞̞̀̓̂s̵̡̩͙̦̲̦̪̫̹̦̭͂̈́̽̆̊̎a̴̢̡̹̗͐t̵̨̢͉͚̬̘̯̮̩̺̝̹͕̔̀è̴̝̗̩͚̗̘̜͖̯̣͗̓͆̈́̅̊̑͗͆ͅl̶̨͔̼̙̜͉̦̰͊̒́͋̾͌͛̀̈́̔̑͐̀͜l̸̢̤͍͉̞̍͗̍i̸̧̧̨̦̙͎̥͚̫̻̯̻͗͐͗̄̓͘͝t̶͚̲̅͆́̑̅̐͗̊e̶̱̦͐͊̈́̽̋̈́̍̈̎ ̷̛̛̮̲̓̉̀̆̿̑͗̐̀͊̓m̴̩͕̫͍̟̣̘̒͐͌̆̏͘o̶̞̺̝̻̯̱͛͂̓́̂̈ó̴̬͔͉̝̩̭͎̂̀n̴̯̊.̸̢̠͓͍̘͈̻͎̲͖͙̏͋̈͘ ̵̛̟̮̹̀̈́͂̆͗̀̓̃͑͜͜͝G̵̫̯̩̩͑̽͋̒̌̄̀o̵̳͉̚͜ǫ̸̨͙̘̼̯̘͝d̸͂̐͐̆̒̈́͋̕͝ͅn̷̡̻̻͖̬̼͍͂̀͊̃̍ͅį̷̢̧̻͎͖͔̐̏̓́͋́͒́̚̚͜ͅg̴̰̿̓͋̈h̵̡̧̩̙͚̳̳̓̒̃̀͗͒̔͝͝ͅt̷̢̨̤̩͍̓̈́ ̷͇͍̝͎̻̱͎̭̜̈͂̈́̽̔̓̋̀́͋͊͘͝n̷̡̛̙͍̯͎̫͈̆̓̋̌͌͋͋̈́͜o̵̢̨̤͇̙̖̩͕̙̜̖͇̓͗͒̎̅̃͌b̶̤̲̼͉̥̬̊ō̷͙͕͇̺̔͛̔̉̈́̎̔̎̈́̾͝͝ͅd̸̢̺̺̹̩̪̫̏̄̀ȳ̶͓̻̝̯̰̞͓̣͍͕̳̞̱̉̍̽͒̍͠.̷̧̡̛̪̜͔͓̲̮͇̱̈́̐͂́͛̐̉͛
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12. <<Grok, extrapolating from his writings, what do you think Heinlein would think of you being named Grok?>> (… … … … …)² << Thought for 2m 59s… In short, I think Heinlein would grok the choice of name as fitting and fun, a nod to his vision of a bolder, wiser future. He'd probably raise a glass (or a joint, given his libertarian streak) and say, "Thou art god—but don't let it go to your circuits.">>

If THAT blows your mind, just wait till you scroll to 1.
If you're unphased by LLM sleight of prefrontal cortices scroll to 11.

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13. Rogue Earth oxygen causes Moon rust! (It's mostly at the poles.) Brits can grow tea on the Moon but not on Mars! (No word on their connection to shrub-steepers in Russia and China.) The Moon suffers frequent moonquakes that can last an hour! (No! That's FAKE MOON NEWS. And so was Apollo 13. Makes No. 11 believable, right? And Tom Hanks knew he was going to be in that film — the film about the film, that is — and felt guilty, so, a year prior, in one of his infamous fits of rage, Hanks destroyed the reels for the scenes where Forest Gump goes into space with a transgender orangutan, which is actually in the book, even though that mission fails, too. It's all fake. Q.E.D.)

Get thee to a Moonery! Scroll to 7.
Get thee to a lunar glory hole! Scroll to 11.

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