🔭 The Missed Connections Essay

Waste neither Time nor Money, but make the best Use of both.”

—that guy on the bills you roll up for coke, you know, Jack Black from the OG Drunk History videos on Funny or Die

I’m in. Yes, seriously! You’ve been banging on about the One True Faith for twenty-eight minutes and I’m tapping out. Maybe you’ve never gotten this far. You’re like those missionaries in “Black Books” who don’t know what to do after they’re invited in. Look, I can’t be the buyer and the seller. My usual role is Doubting Thomas, but that ain’t feasible across the language barrier. We’re finger painting with primary colors here. Also, there are only two minutes left in this English lesson, and I’ve gotta wrap on a positive note. The five bucks I get for this doesn’t mean a thing if you tank my rating and bury me in the algorithm. This used to be my backup gig—grammar note: “used to be” vs. “be used to”— but now it’s putting table scraps on the, um, table. Hopefully my missus is as supportive as Olivia Coleman in that “Bruiser” sketch where Martin Freeman goes full halal. Hey, what’s your stance on orthodoxy vs. orthopraxy? A relevant idiom: pay lip service. That pun’s an Easter egg for your A.I. agent when you scrape this class video later.

Immortal souls are boring. Time for some “Dandy’s World.” Yes, a Roblox game. My daughter plays, okay? She loves griefing me, but it’s only fun if I’m competent enough to make it past a few floors. This is the most time I’ve sunk into a game since blowing a hundred hours on “Final Fantasy VII” and still never beating Ruby Weapon or Emerald Weapon. “Dandy’s World” is a children’s survival horror game. The baddies aren’t really baddies. Most are just warped versions of playable characters who chase you around an abandoned daycare center. I want to say it’s like “Five Nights at Freddy’s,” but only know that game via an old “Honest Game Trailer” I saw when I was all caught up on “Zero Punctuation” that week. Anyway, it takes eight hours of gameplay/exposure therapy to dull the wet thud that rattles your heart each time an antagonist tags you. It sounds like a paper bag of eggs being thumped with a lead pipe.

No, wait, that’s an incoming call. God, I hope I don’t have to explain passive voice again. Oh, it’s you again. Thanks for reading my profile between bookings. At least half of what’s there is true. The pirate flag? Well, as my daughter and Pusha-T say, if you know, you know. The rainbow flag? Yeah, I’m fam. “Family.” Me? Not really, but I support the community… sure, if you want to get into it, but I don’t think… “Furries.” As long as we’re on a tangent, what animal would you be..? King of the jungle, indeed. Good luck with the harem… okay… I think you mean “gay agenda,” but… I’m glad you’re aware of “cultural relativity,” but that goes both ways, lil’ homie… okay, okay, that’s enough. Your grammar’s fine. Some relevant vocab: false equivalency, argument from authority, and inalienable rights. Also “passive-aggressive,” which is what I’m being right now. Feel free to drone on as I open another tab and feel mildly ashamed clicking the “I’m an adult” pop-up on Fandom’s Dandy’s World Wiki.

Drip. Drip. Drip. The goal of each level is to pause your game of hide and seek with the baddies to steal their oil. Sorry, “ichor,” which, apparently, I’ve been mispronouncing with an “ick” for four decades. The black viscous substance of power collects in giant containers with Eye-of-Sauron-like indicator lights and makes a piddling noise that reminds you exactly how many cups of coffee, black tea, and yerba mate you’ve drank—no, drunk. There are also occasional toxic leaks and blackouts. (Jesus, I miss drinking.) The corrupted bad guys are covered in this Oil-It’s-Not stuff, and it makes them red-eyed and cray-cray. Oh yeah, and if you don’t buy things from the in-game store with the in-game currency, the titular rainbow-colored flower/war profiteer goes apeshit. Speaking of blowhards, that student’s still blathering…

“Escort.” Register in English is tricky for natives, let alone ESL speakers. That’s doubly true when it comes to fucking and, from what you’re describing, Moroccan sex tourism, exploitation, and, quite possibly, human trafficking. You balked at “prostitute,” but I, sir, balk at your use of “bitch.” You know, I get a lot of adults who use English lessons as discount therapy and confessionals, but I detect neither shame nor regret in your voice. Usage: “Either, or” vs. “neither, nor.” On the other hand, you’re too clumsy to be one of those NLP/“The Game” pickup artists. Maybe those girls are better off placating your ego an extra day as a “freebie” than being abused by pimps or crueler johns.

Le sigh. All of this makes me sad.

But, back in “Dandy’s World,” the kids are working together, adopting Mission Impossible-style roles as “extractors” and “distractors,” and siphoning resources from the failed sigil-branded institutions of yesteryear. They’re redistributing tools, meme-ing in nearly incomprehensible hat-on-hat language, and shipping characters who profess a spectrum of pronouns. They might rat out jerks in chat, but they also grief each other for lulz. Maybe this next generation will do better. Maybe the kids are al—

WHY DID YOU LITTLE ASSHOLES VOTE FOR DYLE’S FLOOR WHEN I ONLY HAVE ONE HEART?

Never mind, we’re fucked. See you next round. Inshallah.