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I’m not a horror person.
But I enjoyed Sunday afternoon Godzilla flicks as childhood revenge fantasies. Little boy wrecks fat man’s city. No clue it was other people’s psychodrama.
My favorite was “All Monsters Attack.” That’s the one where a latchkey kid and his Mini-daikaiju-Me battle bullies and low-effort parenting. Wait … a mysterious island … a toy-dangling neighbor … suspiciously timed narcolepsy^[We’re talking Ged from Earthsea levels.]… were those masks in the Epstein files‽ That kid wasn’t “Home Alone”-ing those bank robbers in an abandoned factory; he was “Sucker Punch”-ing them. Can you think of a safer, more legally sheltered place than Monster Island?^[#MeToo.]
特撮 (TOKUSATSU) TANGENT There’s also “Frankenstein vs. Baragon”/“Frankenstein Conquers the World,” a movie that dares to ask (and answer) the question, “What if the Nazis took the heart of Frankenstein’s monster to Japan right before America dropped the atomic bomb(s), and then, like, what if it grew into Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer?” Bonus mutated footage: unlike other creature feature legends—see “King Kong vs. Godzilla”—this one really does have an alternate ending.^[Now with eight times the “Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife” action!] The sequel, “The War of the Gargantuas,” has better fights. If you’re actually into this stuff, check out the “Ultra Q” series. (Think “Night Gallery” or “The Outer Limits” with a bigger budget.) If you insist on leotard-ed protagonists, try “Mirrorman.”
By the time I had as many fingers as birthday candles, I’d graduated Bruce Coville’s extra-terrestrial schooling and was lapping up R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps series as quick as he (or, allegedly, his post-#16 ghostwriters) could crank them out.^[Remember the tear-out bookmarks, temporary tattoos, book lights, and not-POGs?] Like a radioactive booklouse (with an allowance), I consumed the rest of the Waldenbookshelf.
The tween angst of R.L. Stine’s Fear Street pubertied into the teenage monsters-equal-sex of Christopher Pike.^[Not that Christopher Pike. The other one.] After my money got tied up in CDs and ditch weed, I raided Mom’s bookshelf and discovered the vampires-are-kinda-gay-and-hey-the-death-of-a-child-must-be-soul-shatteringly-painful ennui of Anne Rice^[And A.N. Roquelaure, one of Rice’s nom de plumes for stories where people fuck statues.] (Anyone know if her Mayfair Witches books are any good?) and classic Stephen King à la “The Shining,” “Carrie,” and “Pet Sematary.”^[None of which appeared under King’s Richard Bachman pseudonym or have anything to do with agalmatophilia, at least as much as I can remember.] ((If you haven’t read King’s short stories, check out “The Man Who Loved Flowers.” If you have, reread “The Jaunt.”))
Soon, I started worrying about how to get rid of blackheads and zombies. The moans, the lunging, the whine of the disc and frantic mashing of buttons on Doritos-stained controllers … even now it gives me horripilation.^[Erm, goose bumps.] I mean, what the hell?^[Erm, Gehenna.] That pixel-imperfect monstrosity just shrugged off a shotgun blast and, shit, how am I’m out of ammo? What kinda red-white-and-blue-necked champion of the second amendment only stocks a handful of shells in a fucking gun store‽ ((If it’s not clear, that’s “Resident Evil 2” on the OG Playstation. If it is, that’s me misremembering*“Zombies Ate My Neighbors”* on SNES with a janky third-party controller with a “slow” feature that just spams the Start button.))
But I wasn’t into horror. Not at all.
I mean, unless you count “The X-Files.” Or Kubrick’s spin on “The Shining,” or “The Simpsons” spin on Kubrick’s spin on “The Shining.”^[“The Shinning,” natch.] And, oh yeah, my stepmom, Lori, played “The Fog” one night when Dad was out. ((Greet Death’s “Country Girl” play button goes here.)) And we watched “Alien” at Mom’s house. Mom loved “Alien.” Is “Alien” horror? Regardless, I already had the action figures. And the Alan Dean Foster novelization. Plus a few packs of the sepia-soaked trading cards for “Alien 3.” And “Alien vs. Predator”—via the comic book, long before the movie.
Oh yeah, comics! Well, manga, mostly. Junji Ito’s “Tomie” and “Uzumaki” are worth another look. And anything by Hideshi Hino.
OUT-OF-PRINT-MANGA-RELATED TANGENT
If you can find it, Hino’s “Panorama of Hell” is a tour de creepy-as-fuck. It’s gleeful in a way that makes Jhonen Vasquez’s “Johnny the Homicidal Maniac” look well-adjusted.
Also, I listened to metal, you know, for all the descriptions of real-life monsters. Cue Slayer. ((Slayer’s “Angel of Death” play button goes here.))
METAL-RELATED TANGENT
Despite writing for numerous music mags, I’ve never had the opportunity to share this: Kylesa’s “Between Silence and Sound” is sublime. It also happens to be the first bridge of Slayer’s “Jesus Saves” over and over again. ((Kylesa’s “Between Silence and Sound” and Slayer’s “Jesus Saves” play buttons go here.))
I forgot to mention my birthday is in the latter third of October. That means I get an annual influx of horror media through commerce-as-love osmosis. Every year, Dad decorated the house, inside and out, and set up huge holiday villages of ceramic Christmas houses, except they were, you know, Halloween houses. I’d pretend the decorations were for my birthday, like I was a character in The Addams Family.^[Dad was more of a “Munsters” guy.] ((While we’re on the topic, could you add your own Edward Gorey reference here? Great stuff.)) And, all October, we’d watch vintage Universal monster movies. You know, with Lon Chaney, Bela Lugosi, and Boris Karloff menacing white ladies.
Like I said, I’m not a horror person.
Horror Half-Movie Binge Half-Reviews
Oh, horror! I thought you meant like slasher and torture and art house stuff. Just to be clear, I mean the fake kind: not the scrapbook stills and “America’s Funniest Home Videos” clips of enhanced interrogation at CIA black sites.
Not my thing. But, in the sleep-deprived delirium following the birth and colicking of my daughter, I did watch a few horror movies while doubling screening at work. Just to help me concentrate. Here’s what I remember …
- “A Nightmare on Elm Street”: This guy should have a podcast.
- “Friday the 13th”: Wait, isn’t Jason a monster or something?
- “Hellraiser”: Clive Barker hates Rubik’s Cubes.
- “Hellraiser 2”: Like, really hates them.
- “Hellraiser 3”: But he enjoys CDs.
- “Hellraiser 4”: And sci-fi?
- “Human Centipede”: What is wrong with people?
- “Human Centipede 2”: What is wrong with me?
- “The Last House on the Left”: I feel sick.
- “Funny Games”: My soul hurts.
- “Necromantik”: Huh.
- “Cannibal Holocaust”: Does this still count as satire?
- “A Serbian Film”: Probably not.
- “American Psycho”: Now, this is satire.
- “Irreversible”: Why am I watching this?
- “Guinea Pig 2: Flower of Flesh and Blood”: Poor Charlie Sheen.^[No, wait, fuck that guy.]
- “Saw”: That was pretty good, actually.
- “Saw 2”: That wasn’t.
- “Saw 3”: Nope.
- “Saw 4”: I’m out.
- “The Cabin in the Woods”: Cute.
- “It Follows”: Creepy.
- “Oculus”: Sure.
- “You’re Next”: Satisfying.
- “Anti-Christ”: Was Tom Cruise right about psychology?
- “Martyrs”: That hurts on so many levels.
- “The Babadook”: This is the one. All done.