🔭 The Horoscope Essay

Here we are on Starship Earth, ready-set-going lap number four-point-five billion and fifty-two around the Great Yellow Dwarf, poised to mow down each and every hurdle, even though it’d be easier to jump, duck, or run around the damned things. Be not grouchy, like so many dwarves barreling up a creek without a pelorus. Whirl and twirl your axes with ecstatic glee like Tasmanian berserkers drunk on TikTok Sufism until the Great Cosmic Nightlights come down from the sky to reveal the secret that we’re not alone—just in Cosmic Time Out.

While planetary magnates conspire in constellations, we’re left reading tea leaves. That’s right, fellow cosmonauts, it’s time for a little light-speed, terracentric, astral geometry. I have connected the dots, I have seen the future, and, quite frankly, it’s wordy.

Over the lips and past the gums, look out 2026, please no bombs… and ease up on the neocolonial exploitation of Africa.

Aries, the Ram Pickup (March 21-April 19)

The sooner you ditch that New Year’s resolution, the better. Let someone else be first to swim the Weddell Sea. In fact, avoid Antarctic travel altogether.

Media Prescription: Rewatch the Key and Peele Wendell skits. The Mr. T PSA, too. If someone really needs the washing machine, they’ll throw your clothes on the floor.

Taurus, the Red Bull (April 20-May 20)

Don’t be afraid to go off script. Unlike the Betty Boop iconography on her grave marker, Gram-Gram’s homemade Four Loko recipe isn’t set in stone. 

Media Prescription: Binge “Richard Hatem’s Paranormal Bookshelf” while DIY-ing crown molding in a last-ditch effort to get back your security deposit.

Gemini, the Olsen Twins (May 21-June 20)

Let’s face it: No one wants to hear your retro swing band’s original material. Stick to the classics. Ditto for in the bedroom.

Media Prescription: Ask your therapist if Dan Rath’s comedy special, “I’m Not Doing Well Folks,” is right for you.

Crab, the Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Stop trying to stop trying and just let it happen. You’re gonna have to use your whole ass for this one.

Media Prescription: Watch “Elling” for the fifth time this year while palm-to-mouthing popcorn peppered with dry harissa.

Leo, the Lion King (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re on the right path. Waze says so. Show the officer. Tell her to save the Korzybski quotes for Tinder and your court appearance.

Media Prescription: Blast SΔMMUS’s Pieces in Space on the bus. Everyone will thank you for sharing a decade-old nerdcore classic.

Virgo, the No Slut-Shaming Here (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Make sure to wash the mint after you’ve swiped it from the neighbor’s garden. Her corgi’s been pissing there all week.

Media Prescription: No one wants to read Proust, but it’s important—or something.

Libra, the Weight Watchers (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

The aerial roots on your windowsill succulents mean you’re doing something wrong. Avoid tamasic indulgences like Reddit and horoscopes.

Media Prescription: Rewatch the first two seasons of “The Walking Dead.” Hey, Shane was actually a pretty good step-dad.

Scorpio, the Strap-on Wielding Harvestman (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Say yes more. “A regret” is just an anagram of “greater.” Or “get rear.”

Media Prescription: Anything but 311’s tiki bar-style version of “Lovesong.” It was cute for three months in 2004. Give it a rest.

Sagittarius, the Archer Reverse BoJack Horseman Thing (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The whole BBL thing is a bubble and, like all bubbles, it’s going to burst. Invest now and strike while the booty’s bountiful.

Media Prescription: Mohammad-Reza Shajarian. You’re welcome.

Ophiuchus, the Freudian Joke (Nov. 29-Dec. 17)

Speak your truth to the world. Your YouTube channel was already on its way to demonetization.

Media Prescription: The eschatology of Joachim of Fiore makes great bedtime reading.

Capricorn, the Little Goat Mermaid (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Buy a toner printer to save on legal paperwork-related cartridge costs. Fridge magnets are a cost-effective alternative to a filing cabinet.

Media Prescription: Dorian Feigenbaum’s 1933 translation of Victor Tausk’s 1919 banger, “On the Origin of the ‘Influencing Machine’ in Schizophrenia.”

Aquarius, the I’m Also an Actor (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Avoid dairy products and family members who are still talking about “The Wire.” It’s never too late to take up competitive ice hockey.

Media Prescription: Sora 2 A.I. knockoffs of those cringy raps from the OG run of G.L.O.W.

Pisces, the Sketchy Sushi Restaurant  (Feb. 19-March 20)

This time a wig and a fake name won’t be enough. Time for Plan B: I will shift. I will shift. I will shift.

Media Prescription: The animated version of “Room on the Broom” narrated by Simon Pegg.