evolving morals in the swamp
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Pikachu's mad as hell and he's not gonna take this anymore. Everyone's favorite electric-type pocket monster was recently spotted fleeing Turkish riot police in late March. The protest—
“Gotta Catch 'Em All!”
Sorry… The protest was about the arrest of Istanbul mayor Ekrem İmamoğlu. Homie's was the likely 2028 challenger to incumbent president and noted secular feminist Recep Tayyip Erdoğan. The viral video's spawned a zootopia of copycats and copymice, and Pikachu’s evolved well past Raichu into a symbol of dissent. And you thought Nintendo had their hands full flagging all those vigilante Luigi and #MeToo/Mewtwo memes.
Mascots go bad. They expire. Consider the U.K.'s de facto cultural ambassador, Peppa Pig. In China she's been (rightfully) outed as a gangster. Winnie-the-Pooh and Co. have repeatedly hucked her over the Great Firewall, but she keeps sneaking back in — probably by posing as a fleeing panda or Uyghur. You can't stem the muddy puddles of spaghetti and Marmite forever, though, Foreskin Xi (习包皮). Rowan Atkinson, the U.K.'s actual face abroad, is unstoppable. (And the fourth season of Blackadder is one of the most important artistic endeavors of the 20th century. Fight me.)
So, yeah, politics are branded.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but America's not faring well in this regard. You try to stay ahead of things, but that's the way the Free World crumbles. Fearless Leader did his best Sam Eagle cosplay for his official portrait, but even that—
“Untrue. Lies.”
Excuse me? Are you—
“Best. Presidential. Portrait. Ever. Everyone knows it. Everyone's saying it. You said it just now. Everyone heard you say it.”
But —
“Look, they told me not to say it, but I'm gonna say it, anyway. It's that bald eagle's fault. Loser bird. Terrible hair. Steals. Can't even beat a Canada Goose. You look at this bird, a raptor, really, that's what they tell me. And you can't look at this guy without laughing.”
So you're open to rebranding?
“Now it's time for new, believable people, and we must do it.”
Uh, okay. Ben Franklin wanted the national bird to be a turkey.
“Fake news. Not true. Never happened.”
Actually, you're right. He never made that pitch. He did talk shit on bald eagles, though, and called turkeys “respectable,” which is not nothing. In Chinese, the characters for turkey are 火鸡. That's literally “fire chicken,” which is pretty cool. “Peru” is Portuguese for “turkey,” so there are at least two countries with bird names, only not really, because—
“What are you even talking about? Nobody understands what you're talking about.”
Sorry, I get distracted. How about Mario?
“Too ethnic. No one would buy that. How about the logo of one of America's beautiful sponsors? We've got the best sponsors. Nobody has sponsors like us.”
I assume you're alluding to the dozens and dozens of companies and C.E.O.s who “donated” a million bucks to your inauguration tailgate last January? Let's have a look. That Amazon arrow looks like a dick. Definitely in the running. The Meta logo looks like a drunk infinity symbol. Another solid choice. What about Apple? Now there's an image with history: forbidden knowledge, Eris's prank, Newton's epiphany, Snow White's diet plan, Alan Turing's tragedy. Remember that 1984 Macintosh commercial? The one about how 1984 won't… be… like… hmm… oh. Is the irony too on the nose or are you into that?
“…”
Did you fall asleep?
“…”
Well, I'm not as sure as Not Sure about how to turn the country around, but I've got a way out of this mascot fluster cluck. I've taken the civil liberty of using your Big Gold Sharpie to sign your name and trace your giant hand on this Executive Order, which pretty much means it’s law now.
The new face of America is: swamp gas.
Think about it.
First off, it's red meat for the Make America Great Again crowd. You promised to “drain the swamp,” right? Gotta do something with all that drained material. Moving it around will create a lot of jobs. Second, swamp gas comes from decaying organic material. You can spin it as “recycling.” The libtards are desperate; they'll count that as a win. Third, everyone will be so busy reporting Will-o'-The-Wisps, skunk apes, and alien abductions you can pretty much do whatever you want without scrutiny. That brings us to the fourth point. Swamp gas is super flammable. You can harvest it, package it, copyright it, and sell it as a fuel source. Even better, you can claim you're going to do that, get money from investors, claim bankruptcy, and not pay any income taxes. Just think of the meme coins—GasCash! SwampThingy! TrumpRump! And, let's be honest, there's nothing more American than violent delirium and venting methane.
Donald, baby, I just saved the country's image and made you a bundle of cash. Consider it a favor. Now about those meme coins…
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