The Department of Balderdash, Flummery & Hokum
Veritas Optional Since Whenever
๐ Emperor Trampatine Addresses the Board of Galactic Peace
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Title: Roving Space Correspondent
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||Wipe them out.|| All of them. Oh... Uhhh, wrong meetingโฆ
Well, hello! It is a big day and the galaxy is watching. Humans are watching. Chalaktans are watching. Hapans are watching. Umbarans are watching. Wellโฆ Everybody is watching. We also have a large group of leaders from other planets. I am the Senate.
Gosh, wrong meeting, againโฆ
What weโre doing is very simple. Piss. No! Piece. Blimey! Peace. Itโs called the ^^Board of Galactic Peace^^. Itโs an easy word to say, but a difficult task to deliver, but weโre going to do it. Weโve already been doing a really good job across the galaxy. Think of Order 66 or was it 14151โฆ
Last year was like no other in our galaxy. Iโve started the greatest galaxy-wide war. What? Started? Who said โstartedโ? I never said it! Who are you? What planet are you representing? Endor? What a filthy planet! Youโre not even a humanoid. Who let an Ewak in here? Iโve ENDED the greatest galaxy-wide warโthe Galactic Civil War! You should all thank me for securing peace.
Now, we have great leaders here. They are incredible people. Theyโve become incredible friends of mine. They know how Iโve rebuilt our galaxy. Iโve saved us all by putting an end to the decaying democracy of the Republic and introducing the only efficient political systemโthe ^^Galactic Trampatine Empire^^ named after meโฆ
We broke 50,000 on the Galactic Credit Standard. Oh, wait, 70,000. No, 353,000. Well, it doesnโt matter. They said it would take us four years, but we did it in a year. We broke 7,000โฆ 11,000โฆ 21,000โฆ! We broke huuuge on the Corporate Sector Authority index. They said it was impossible. But I did it!
Iโve been actively involved in a lot with the planet leaders here. We worked together on ending millions of wars on their planets. Iโve ended the war between Coresโฆ Corasโฆ Corusโฆsssโฆโent and Alsโฆcakan that lasted thousands of years. I ended it in one day. I made Alderaaโฆ Alderbaijaaan and Chandrila make peace with just one call. They claimed to be forever allies, even insisted on it, but I always know what Iโm doing, and Iโm never wrong! I created peace between the two of them! But we have some other work to do and weโre getting it done. Gozhorman is very complex, but weโll fix it too.
I want to thank Stevus Wetking and Jathan for an amazing job. Marcage is fantastic, and AJโwhat a job theyโre all doing as a team. Itโs the best team ever assembled in the galaxy, and you see that by the results.
So, power, unlimited power! Urrr, letโs skip it for now. It is a tremendous honor for me to welcome you all to the ^^Galactic Trampatine Empire^^ for the inaugural meeting of the ^^Board of Galactic Peace^^.
Itโs the most consequential board in terms of power and prestige. Thereโs never been anything close because these are the greatest planet leaders, almost everybody is acceptedโฆ Now, why is that Ewak still here? Take it away, put it somewhere, cover it with a blanket! I donโt want any fur around!
What was I saying? There is no mercy. Some are playing a little cute. You canโt play cute with me. But theyโre playing a little bit. Everyone wants to be here, most of them immediately. A few that we really donโt want because theyโre troubleโtake care of that Ewak at last! This is the most prestigious board ever put together. And everything that has transpired has done so according to my design!
Thank you all. Thank you very much. ||Wipe them out.|| All of them.
Olena Zheldak is the author of an autobiographical wartime narrative, โFrom Irpin with Lฬถoฬถvฬถeฬถ Pain,โ self-published on Amazon. She is the author of the lead story for Paul White's "Life in the War Zone," the essay, "Life Interrupted. Resumed. Ended." for the 195 Essays Project by 2084, a short story for the Crow Town Anthology, Volume 2, and a contributor to the Consequence Forum.